Dear Kay Jay:
I have a bossy friend, and i'm not sure if I want to keep her around in my life. She only talk about her problems, and never consider if i'm doing okay mentally. I'm at the point where I just don't want to be bothered. What kind of advice do you have to help me through this elimination of stress in my life?
Stressed Friend in Boston, MA
Dear Stressed Friend in Boston:
I am unsure if your friend is the root of all your stress. It sounds like there are other major stresses in your life that you need to eliminate. During a depressing state of mind, some people began to distant themselves from their family and friends, and they become highly anxious and agitated about the simplest things. I am not licensed to diagnose your condition, but I want you to look into other signs of depression. If they apply to you, I strongly suggest that you seek help immediately. Also, you may want to keep your friend in your corner, and just be honest with her regarding your need for social support. That's what friends are for.
You also mentioned that your friend talks about her problems a lot, which may indicate her need for professional help. You are a friend, not a psychiatrist or therapist. While others shut down when they are stressed out, your friend is depending on you to release her stress. Communication is a fundamental key to maintain a strong relationship, so you must directly communicate to your friend that you are going through a tough time as well, and you will need her support to help you through it. By bailing on your friend, you are indirectly communicating to her that you need a moment, but its better to have each other for support, rather than solving your problems by yourself. Take control of your life by improving your communication skills, in which you are able to effectively express what is on your mind. Empower your friend to seek professional help, as well. Below is contact information to set up an appt for a psych evaluation. It's better to be safe, then to be unsure.
Fenway Health
617.267.0900
Ansin Building
1340 Boylston Street
Boston, MA 02215
Online: www.fenwayhealth.org
Love, Kay Jay
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Friday, October 26, 2012
Dear KayJay:
I am 24 years old and live in Miami Florida. My boyfriend and I have been dating off/on for 8 years. We have 2 children together. My family hates me because I stopped coming around to family dinners. Most of my friends stopped calling me because I avoided their calls. Its all my fault. No one knows that my boyfriend physically hits on me. It's been 6 months now and he hasn't abused me lately, probably because he stopped drinking. I really miss my family though, but he gets very jealous when I communicate with them. I feel torn, but I don't want to end up homeless, and struggling to raise my children as a single parent.
LonelyMom
Dear LonelyMom:
I am very concerned about the safety of your family. I am seeing numerous problems going on that needs to be addressed. 1. You are clinging to a relationship that started when you were a teenager. Sometimes you have to leave the past to start building a healthier future. 2. Your abusive relationship has isolated you from your friends and family. Isolation is unhealthy. It is probably best to discuss what is happening to your family and closest friends, so that you will have a safe place to go to if your partner becomes abusive again. You also need to repair the relationship with your family and friends because lack of a support system is a reason why victims stay with the abuser. The abuser may become angry when the victim decides to leave leave. If you decide to leave, don't tell him, just do it, but have a plan and that is where your family and friends can help to protect you(along with a restraining order). 4. Do not blame yourself for the actions of your boyfriend. No one deserves to be abused. 5. If you decide to leave your boyfriend, please seek counseling because you are subject to emotion and psychological effects from living in the abusive environment. It is not healthy to live everyday worrying about not upsetting your boyfriend. I'm sure your children will need counseling as well so that they understand abuse is wrong. 6. If you decide to stay with your husband, substance abuse programs and family therapy are an option. I understand the idea of keeping the family together, so it is possible to repair the family, but you cannot ignore his abusive behaviors, it has to be reported and treated and monitored. 7. Domestic violence has a never ending pattern, in which the abuser slowly attacks through words and intimidation while the victim tries to avoid getting the abuser angry, then the abuser explodes leading to physical violence, and then the abuser appears apologetic and behaves nice as a way to keep the victim in the relationship. I know you stated that he hasn't hit you in 6 months, so you are currently in the 1st stage of this cycle. The cycle will continue until you do something about it. I will list a few sources, and I hope you make a decision that will keep your family safe.
Domestic Violence Hotline
305- 349-5888
Florida Abuse Hotline
1- 800- 96-ABUSE
The following list is shelters available for victims of domestic violence.
Advocates for Victims North/Safespace 305-758-2546
Advocates for Victims South/Safespace 305-247-4249
Women in Distress (Broward County) 954-760-9800
For victims of Domestic Violence and/or Sexual Assault, please contact the following shelter:
The Lodge @ (305) 693-1170
Or visit them at www.thelodgemiami.org
Xoxo KayJay
I am 24 years old and live in Miami Florida. My boyfriend and I have been dating off/on for 8 years. We have 2 children together. My family hates me because I stopped coming around to family dinners. Most of my friends stopped calling me because I avoided their calls. Its all my fault. No one knows that my boyfriend physically hits on me. It's been 6 months now and he hasn't abused me lately, probably because he stopped drinking. I really miss my family though, but he gets very jealous when I communicate with them. I feel torn, but I don't want to end up homeless, and struggling to raise my children as a single parent.
LonelyMom
Dear LonelyMom:
I am very concerned about the safety of your family. I am seeing numerous problems going on that needs to be addressed. 1. You are clinging to a relationship that started when you were a teenager. Sometimes you have to leave the past to start building a healthier future. 2. Your abusive relationship has isolated you from your friends and family. Isolation is unhealthy. It is probably best to discuss what is happening to your family and closest friends, so that you will have a safe place to go to if your partner becomes abusive again. You also need to repair the relationship with your family and friends because lack of a support system is a reason why victims stay with the abuser. The abuser may become angry when the victim decides to leave leave. If you decide to leave, don't tell him, just do it, but have a plan and that is where your family and friends can help to protect you(along with a restraining order). 4. Do not blame yourself for the actions of your boyfriend. No one deserves to be abused. 5. If you decide to leave your boyfriend, please seek counseling because you are subject to emotion and psychological effects from living in the abusive environment. It is not healthy to live everyday worrying about not upsetting your boyfriend. I'm sure your children will need counseling as well so that they understand abuse is wrong. 6. If you decide to stay with your husband, substance abuse programs and family therapy are an option. I understand the idea of keeping the family together, so it is possible to repair the family, but you cannot ignore his abusive behaviors, it has to be reported and treated and monitored. 7. Domestic violence has a never ending pattern, in which the abuser slowly attacks through words and intimidation while the victim tries to avoid getting the abuser angry, then the abuser explodes leading to physical violence, and then the abuser appears apologetic and behaves nice as a way to keep the victim in the relationship. I know you stated that he hasn't hit you in 6 months, so you are currently in the 1st stage of this cycle. The cycle will continue until you do something about it. I will list a few sources, and I hope you make a decision that will keep your family safe.
Domestic Violence Hotline
305- 349-5888
Florida Abuse Hotline
1- 800- 96-ABUSE
The following list is shelters available for victims of domestic violence.
Advocates for Victims North/Safespace 305-758-2546
Advocates for Victims South/Safespace 305-247-4249
Women in Distress (Broward County) 954-760-9800
For victims of Domestic Violence and/or Sexual Assault, please contact the following shelter:
The Lodge @ (305) 693-1170
Or visit them at www.thelodgemiami.org
Xoxo KayJay
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Dear KayJay:
I am 16 years old attending Red Bank High School in Chattanooga, Tenn. I am stressed out because I'm busy with school work, taking care of my siblings, hanging out with my friends, and my job. But I can't seem to get things done. Every time I try something, I seem to stop what I'm doing, and then start another task, and then another, but nothing get done! Help fix my life!
Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed:
I am hearing you say that you feel overwhelmed managing your responsibilities. Sometimes you have to set aside time to reflect on what means the most to you, and then prioritize your tasks based on importance. I cannot fix your life, but you have the power to take control of your life. Is your job more important than you school work, is hanging out with your friends more important than helping your parents out with your siblings. What matters the most to you? I cannot answer those questions. You have several options: you could reduce your hours at work to catch up on your school work, you could hang out with your friends on weekends rather than throughout the school week, you could communicate to your parents when you need more time to focus on your major assignments in school. You should try speaking to your school nurse or family doctor about ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Some of the symptoms associated with ADHD are lack of attention, inability to follow through on task, forgetfulness, and easily distracted. I am not licensed to give medical advice, but there's is no harm in learning about the symptoms and whether it applies to you. Most teenagers experience overwhelming situations, so you are not alone.
Xoxo Kay Jay
I am 16 years old attending Red Bank High School in Chattanooga, Tenn. I am stressed out because I'm busy with school work, taking care of my siblings, hanging out with my friends, and my job. But I can't seem to get things done. Every time I try something, I seem to stop what I'm doing, and then start another task, and then another, but nothing get done! Help fix my life!
Overwhelmed
Dear Overwhelmed:
I am hearing you say that you feel overwhelmed managing your responsibilities. Sometimes you have to set aside time to reflect on what means the most to you, and then prioritize your tasks based on importance. I cannot fix your life, but you have the power to take control of your life. Is your job more important than you school work, is hanging out with your friends more important than helping your parents out with your siblings. What matters the most to you? I cannot answer those questions. You have several options: you could reduce your hours at work to catch up on your school work, you could hang out with your friends on weekends rather than throughout the school week, you could communicate to your parents when you need more time to focus on your major assignments in school. You should try speaking to your school nurse or family doctor about ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder). Some of the symptoms associated with ADHD are lack of attention, inability to follow through on task, forgetfulness, and easily distracted. I am not licensed to give medical advice, but there's is no harm in learning about the symptoms and whether it applies to you. Most teenagers experience overwhelming situations, so you are not alone.
Xoxo Kay Jay
Dear KayJay:
I am 20 years old student attending Michigan State University. There's a guy I really like, and we've been dating for over a week now. He wants to sleep with me, but I'm not sure. I want to keep him as a friend, but I think it may be too early in the relationship to began having sex. My friends say go for it and have fun a little, but 1 week is a bit too early, whether I want to or not. What do you think?
TooEarly
Dear TooEarly:
It sounds like you do not want to have sex too early in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with waiting to get to know a person before becoming sexually involved. In my opinion, sex only confuses emotions amongst girls because we tend to jump way over our heads while the guy feels the opposite of how we feel. So, ask yourself if you want to be sex buddies or romantically involved with your partner, and then ask your partner the same question. If he's not on the same page as you, then its best to wait to give yourself away. You have the power to determine when it is a good time to have sex in a relationship. Everyone is different, some girls prefer the 90 day rule, while others don't have any rules when it comes to how long to wait to have sex with your partner. Just don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, and protect yourself at all times against STD's and unwanted pregnancies. And if you wait 4 weeks or 4 dates, that's your business and your decision.
Xoxo Kay Jay
I am 20 years old student attending Michigan State University. There's a guy I really like, and we've been dating for over a week now. He wants to sleep with me, but I'm not sure. I want to keep him as a friend, but I think it may be too early in the relationship to began having sex. My friends say go for it and have fun a little, but 1 week is a bit too early, whether I want to or not. What do you think?
TooEarly
Dear TooEarly:
It sounds like you do not want to have sex too early in the relationship. There is nothing wrong with waiting to get to know a person before becoming sexually involved. In my opinion, sex only confuses emotions amongst girls because we tend to jump way over our heads while the guy feels the opposite of how we feel. So, ask yourself if you want to be sex buddies or romantically involved with your partner, and then ask your partner the same question. If he's not on the same page as you, then its best to wait to give yourself away. You have the power to determine when it is a good time to have sex in a relationship. Everyone is different, some girls prefer the 90 day rule, while others don't have any rules when it comes to how long to wait to have sex with your partner. Just don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do, and protect yourself at all times against STD's and unwanted pregnancies. And if you wait 4 weeks or 4 dates, that's your business and your decision.
Xoxo Kay Jay
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