Dear KayJay:

I am 24 years old and live in Miami Florida. My boyfriend and I have been dating off/on for 8 years. We have 2 children together. My family hates me because I stopped coming around to family dinners. Most of my friends stopped calling me because I avoided their calls. Its all my fault. No one knows that my boyfriend physically hits on me. It's been 6 months now and he hasn't abused me lately, probably because he stopped drinking. I really miss my family though, but he gets very jealous when I communicate with them. I feel torn, but I don't want to end up homeless, and struggling to raise my children as a single parent.

LonelyMom

Dear LonelyMom:

I am very concerned about the safety of your family. I am seeing numerous problems going on that needs to be addressed. 1. You are clinging to a relationship that started when you were a teenager. Sometimes you have to leave the past to start building a healthier future. 2. Your abusive relationship has isolated you from your friends and family. Isolation is unhealthy. It is probably best to discuss what is happening to your family and closest friends, so that you will have a safe place to go to if your partner becomes abusive again. You also need to repair the relationship with your family and friends because lack of a support system is a reason why victims stay with the abuser. The abuser may become angry when the victim decides to leave leave. If you decide to leave, don't tell him, just do it, but have a plan and that is where your family and friends can help to protect you(along with a restraining order). 4. Do not blame yourself for the actions of your boyfriend. No one deserves to be abused. 5. If you decide to leave your boyfriend, please seek counseling because you are subject to emotion and psychological effects from living in the abusive environment. It is not healthy to live everyday worrying about not upsetting your boyfriend. I'm sure your children will need counseling as well so that they understand abuse is wrong. 6. If you decide to stay with your husband, substance abuse programs and family therapy are an option. I understand the idea of keeping the family together, so it is possible to repair the family, but you cannot ignore his abusive behaviors, it has to be reported and treated and monitored. 7. Domestic violence has a never ending pattern, in which the abuser slowly attacks  through words and intimidation while the victim tries to avoid getting the abuser angry, then the abuser explodes leading to physical violence, and then the abuser appears apologetic and behaves nice as a way to keep the victim in the relationship. I know you stated that he hasn't hit you in 6 months, so you are currently in the 1st stage of this cycle. The cycle will continue until you do something about it. I will list a few sources, and I hope you make a decision that will keep your family safe.

Domestic Violence Hotline
305- 349-5888
Florida Abuse Hotline
1- 800- 96-ABUSE

The following list is shelters available for victims of domestic violence.

Advocates for Victims North/Safespace 305-758-2546
Advocates for Victims South/Safespace 305-247-4249
Women in Distress (Broward County) 954-760-9800

For victims of Domestic Violence and/or Sexual Assault, please contact the following shelter:
The Lodge @ (305) 693-1170
Or visit them at www.thelodgemiami.org

Xoxo KayJay